What Wonderful news~
The fires of Righteousness Burns down the new Sodom cesspool of Los Angeles.
May there be no survivors! May Hollywood burn! May every synagogue and every Jew Inhabiting them get reduced to smoldering ashes!
Get smitten with the Wrath of Alice, Infidels.
a year of promises unfulfilled
a year of goals unobtained
a year of dreams forever wasted.
time is such a merciless thing, ever marching regardless if you can keep up. for all I've wished to achieve and become, I only found myself back where I started.
the time you waste, is time you won't ever get back
and my time is swiftly running out.
Secured and Detained my Lust is Contained
Scattered and Shattered my mind is Fractured
You do not find me odd, do you? I know you are reading this, whoever you are.
Lust is such a fleeting Feeling. Yet it aches, it Claws in the back of my mind, concocting such Perverse Fantasies it becomes hard to simply Ignore. the more i abstain, the more the flesh and mind craves.
at first it acts as a soothing lullaby, making me docile and submissive, ready to fall into a lover's embrace. but as it continues it brings such frustration and adrenaline that i can only Claw away at my Face and hope it goes away.
Its no surprise why so many men today can't help but masturbate a dozen times a day, I can only imagine what thoughts go through their primitive minds. such strong desires for compassion, making way to Depravity. only to finish up and left feeling empty, that they have sat in the dark Beating themselves off into submission. the revelation of what they've just done must be oh so terrible.
There is no love left in this world, No Companionship or Romance, not so much as a Hug. Just Mindless Pornography to keep your Desires at bay. and the madness that follows.
Yet unlike them, I abstain from self pleasure, i see no relief in frantically Jerking it like a mad animal before an Idol of lust or another man Fucking a woman for you. I Just sit there and wait my thoughts out, or Sleep it out and let an angel take me away.
and hope i keep myself in control, from doing something far worse.
I do wonder, what the insides of a woman feels like. soft? warm? good? does she grow tighter the more she Struggles?
Is the climax more satisfying, as she's on the brink of death?
Today at this late night under the Star of Bethlehem, the son of god was born.
what better way to celebrate, than a Fine drink of overpriced bitter Cider under a starry night sky. alone.
I hope the crudely heated chicken i bough from the grocery store doesn't get soggy by the time i get back.
I don't know what to gift... So here, Have this. Merry Christmas.
Christmas visible on the near horizon, yet nothing i have to offer or show.
alone i sit in a darkened room. desiring to give, but nothing to gift.
time ticking, time wasting. enough fooling its time to get working.
how poetic, how romantic. how ironic, as i'm neither poetic nor romantic!
Fulfill a promise that i shall, and in return you fulfill yours.
Eeny meeny miny moe... catch a nigger by the toe? (doesn't come after, but rhymes enough to consider)
Festive Seasons Come for all. except Jews and Fags, who'll Thrash in hell!
I must be going mad.
I'll offer something for christmas, but It can't be helped... it simply can't be helped....... Deck the halls with Blood and Entrails fa la la la laaaa la la la la~ Tis the season to be folly fa la la la laaaa la la la la
Swing my sword at those i don't like fa la la fa la laaaa la la la~ Break the Necks of Impure Heretics fa la la la laaaa la la la la
See the blazing Witch before us Fa la la la laaaa la la la la~ Strike a Demon with a Longsword fa la la la laaaa la la la la
Follow me in My Crusade Fa la la fa la laaaa la la la~ While i rid a bastard's Innards fa la la la laaaa la la la la
Lets make Looooove under the starry night skyyyyy
on the surface of a neutron staaar~
Time Ticking, Time Wasting. not much to do, not much to speak of.
I need to get on with my confession, then research what it could possibly be. You'll See in Due time, as i shall as well.
i like december and christmas and especially the end of the year, because it reminds me of the inevitable end of all things. i like to pretend its the end of existence each year. that it all amounts this, and then nothing afterwards. and i too become nothing.
quite melachonic, isn't it?
I suppose I just seek a Righteous death to compensate for the lack of attachment i have towards life.
unfortunate for me, there is nothing righteous worth dying for with this disgraced cesspit of a world.
the burden of knowing too much, and too little.
Time well Wasted, Time i won't get back.
Had a dream I'd like to share, but unfortunately, Details are sparse.
but what i do remember, was a rather odd tune, Childish yet Disturbing. The melody unique, Yet coherent. with the sound of shuffling making up its background giving a sense of anxiety and dread.
The tune has been forgotten, but the shuffling remains in my mind, Keeping me at unease.
'twas unfortunate. But alas, it was not meant to be.
10k unique visitors. ten thousand human beings bear witness to my less than savory ramblings.
I'm unsure if i should feel ashamed of myself. but in truth, what difference does it ultimately make? Its better to suffer in honesty than to live a lie.
even if i come off as mad...
I better think of something for Christmas.
streamed KKHTA this halloween, joyless Mods can eat shit.
bad timing since a lot of cancer was being thrown about at /v/, and the mods chose to let flamewar threads stay whilst targeting MY thread, fucking faggots.
though there was hardly more than 13 who attended, at least those anons had fun from the event.
ultimately, that's what matters most. as i have done as i promised.
i've fulfilled what i sought to do, i've planned the entire month ahead for it, wrangled my sleep schedule, got the janitors seething even. anons had fun and things went well enough.
but now i feel empty. is success supposed to feel so hollow?
Restless night, despite having taken at least a dozen sleep pills
Always in full moons am i restless despite weather and fog, 99.7% is close enough. Hunter's moon as is predictable for October.
for what i have planned, and how strict of a schedule it requires, i can only hope this doesn't make a mess out of my sleep schedule.
heard something outside, a strange sound followed by the excited barking of dogs. could maybe just be a cat. or perhaps a terribly lost squirrel.
as if the universe itself didn't collaborate enough to rob me of my sleep.
I feel like Shit, thrashing and tossing helplessly upon my blanket, yet this struggle for sleep was all futile.
I'll wait it out, I will collapse from exhaustion, eventually.
not enough details to put this in my dream log, but i've been seduced by a "succubus" of some sorts in a dream. 'twas a waxing cresent 1.9% illumination, might as well be a new moon if you ask me.
Pale skin, raven hair, goat like features and horns, a fertile feminine frame, and for some reason many times my size.
how horrible is that? to be forced upon by a WOMAN of all things, truly i must be a shamed. and there goes my last pair of clean underwear.
i shall spare you the details because frankly its quite "Lewd" and i would rather leave the obvious to your imagining.
i must find some way of repenting my lustful ways. what would Alice say of me getting forced upon by another woman? i would most rather not face the consequences.
hold on. a fertile feminine frame, goat like features, seemingly many times my size indicating the difference in power between me a mere mortal... could this be??? Damn you, you whore of all whores!
idle hands bring upon a miserable mind.
video games bring me no joy, movies bring me no joy, entertainment in its entirety brings me no joy. the more i claw and pry at my head demanding answers the more i desire to go out and seek them.
But where shall i start? So many lies and so many half truths. indeed, trying to find something of valid credability would be a daunting task.
and if i were to find some form of oddity, something that would shatter the world as i know it. would others believe me?
or would the truth which i had the misfortune to bare be buried within an ocean of lies and become indistinguishable from that which is false?
If we are lambs to slaughter, then who is the meat being provided to? who's offering are we of flesh? and who is to feast upon it?
the illusion grows ever more, as the truth dwindles to nothing. would humanity in search of "enlightenment", shroud itself in the ignorance of its own making?
this night, i had a near sleep paralysis experience
my first dream before i woke up at the middle of night was of me in a dorm room, encountering a massive Golden Orb Weaver spider eating a tarantula, and the dream ended with me leading the doll from bloodborne and some other woman out of the room only to find the spider dead in the hallway.
i then woke up at 2am, and tried to fall back asleep, it was when i noticed something off.
my whole body was becoming heavy, and i was becoming paralyzed by sleep, i was barely able to move my fingers.
that was when i heard from the other room, the sound deep and heavy breathing. it was unnerving enough that i believed it to be an intruder which only further my alertness.
the breathing simply got worse, so i did my usual and tried regaining control whatever means necessary.
it was not until the sound of a cat fight outside that i managed to fully reawaken.
and as i woke up, the breathing in the other room ceased, and i was once again alone. i suppose cats do ward off evil.
this is not the first time i had sleep paralysis, nor shall it be the last. however, i do wonder what would happen if i let it fully overtake me.
i wonder what this breathing originated from. i wonder what i would see, if i opened my eyes.
i am uncertain if this belongs in the dream log or here, as the details are severely lacking.
the other day, i saw a full moon. the night sky was beautiful. should i call again in hopes of an answer? its been almost three years since my last contact.
hard to keep sane, when i've grown to utterly despise the world i inhabit, myself, and the mere fact that i exist and that i am aware of it.
there is no greater curse than sentience, to watch the world around you crumble knowing you can do nothing about it.
men have become weak and emotional bitches, Women have become fuck-meat whores with nothing to offer. the governments are all corrrupt and exists Solely to benefit the nepotist Bloodsucking Jews who have wormed their way into every position of power. it becomes rather difficult to be complacent with that knowledge in mind. truth is a curse as ignorance is bliss.
retreating to mindless hedonism like everyone else doesn't fancy my suite, because i hold no desire to become a mindless pleasure animal rotting away in desire no matter how tempting it may be.
i clearly exist for a reason, i clearly am aware of everything around me for a reason, and i am here and now and doing this for a reason. once i find what i exist for and fulfill it, i can finally die, and hope that i never again exist. the melachony of nothingness is something i've grown romantic of. i am, after all, a being of dark thoughts and desires, so its for the best i die in the end when i am no longer of use.
its clear that i am an outsider, native to my continent yet alienated by my peers. the times when i'm not alone are times where i'm herded and micromanaged like some sort of tool.
and for that, i've become complacent with my isolation. with only my thoughts and computing device to keep me accompanied.
when i'm not working out, i'm curled in a corner trying to make the voices go away. i sometimes miss feeling human.
no good dreams yet, just filler. i need a more refined means of dreaming.
it seems nowhere i search i can find some form of solace from this ever encroaching blight known as post-modernity. not out in the real world or in the internet.
its a disease, an ever thickening fog which consumes everything in its path, the mindlessness of modern entertainment and the pandering to mentally diseased people.
the corruption inhabiting all governments and higher ups and down to the lowest of semi-human beings beckoning people to consume whatever garbage they produce in hopes of making it big.
the grifters and astroturfers trying to get the upper hand in this rigged game, to judges and officers giving light sentances to murderers and rapists while the victims are persecuted.
its as if the only escape i have is within my own cell, to sit quietly in darkness as the world continues rotting. at which point i might as well be in a real cell, locked up in isolation and left to be forgotten. yet this sort of demise seems like a relieving paradise for the many masses inhabiting this beast, forever Drugged in pharma Poison as to keep them going with their routines.
there is no "Freedom" or "Democracy", its all a thin veil to keep the fools in occupancy, you and i are at best free range human Cattle.
and technology has done nothing to improve the situation in hand, for AI will be used to further Surveillance and the control in our daily lives.
most of you aren't even aware of it, of how much of you they know, of how much of yourselves you feed to this beast. every little secret you spoke of, is forever engraved in server farms. this then feeds into AI, which then in turn creates a "Life Log" of you.
how comfortable are you knowing there's an entire story written of you? all for the ripe of Picking and Probing to find the best ways to capitalize you.
and i bet most of you have no privacy measures, you just give away everything like you're ordered like the good little lamb you are following the flock.
Your Identity, home, friends, family, you give it all away for the sake of convenience, of conformity, of the comfort for taking the easy path leading you directly to the slaughter.
and as i turn to the outskirts of where the unwanted reside, the abandoned and left behind. all i see is despair in them, as they try and find some form of cope or reason to keep living, either by clinging to the past which had long since gone or falling victim to depravity as to feed whatever delusion helps them cope with the crushing reality that is their lives.
i look to the night sky in search of answers as to why the world is the way it is. or perhaps this is some great cosmic Joke unfolding all around me.
it all becomes apparent, society is a lie wishing to control your every move, to predict your every action, to know your every secret. and by rejecting it you're considered a threat either to be "Reeducated" or Neutralized if you resist.
and by rejecting society and the world around me, have i come to realize just how hollow most people are. i'm not had, the world is mad. society and its people are mad, i'm the only sane one in this misbegotten Plane of existence.
and ultimately, i'm on my own. i don't even see most people as "Human" anymore, or perhaps i was never human to begin with.
The start of my Memoir. at long last, a place i can discuss things of absolutely no worth without shitting up a thread. as per usual, Expect antisemitism so intense it would make fringe image boards look like childsplay. and racism so intense it would make fringe imageboards look tolerant.
so much i wish to uncover, yet nowhere to look. everything throughout the web as in real life is shrouded in half truths. and with whats to come, the veil between what is real and what is not has begun to deminish.
for now, this is merely the beginning.